Fringe of Healing

fringe-of-healing
“…She touched the fringe of his robe, for she thought, ‘If I can just touch his robe, I will be healed.'” Matthew 9:20-21

*I’ll be talking a lot about female physical issues in this post, so if that doesn’t sound like your cup of tea, feel free to turn around before reading further. Consider yourself warned.*

For about two years, the story of the woman with the issue of blood has connected with me on a very personal level.

You can find her account in Mark 5:25-34. The Bible says she suffered from constant bleeding for 12 years and had spent all her money trying to find a solution from a doctor, and yet her bleeding only became worse. She believed that she would be healed if she could only touch the robe of Jesus. She made the touch happen; He took care of the healing. Jesus told her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace. Your suffering is over.”

My physical story began about two and a half years ago. My baby was four months old and, awesome, my period returned. I chalked it up to being a little unlucky.

Everything was normal at first, but a few months later things started getting weird. In January of 2015, I noticed extra spotting. No big deal as I knew my hormones were still out of whack. I was breastfeeding and expected a little weirdness.

It got weirder though. More spotting, more frequently. Sometimes more than just spotting. A pattern gradually developed and I seemed to be getting two periods every single month. Two weeks on and two weeks off. Sometimes it was every other week.

I still blamed the breastfeeding and decided that as soon as we were finished in that area, I’d make an appointment with my doctor and get back on the birth control pill. Hoping, really, that the situation would resolve itself in the weeks before my appointment.

The situation did not resolve itself and I so forward to the magical pills that had always regulated everything so nicely for me.

But, the pills didn’t work. In fact, my first month back on them, November of 2015, I bled every single day.

Every. Single. Day. Fear tried to wiggle it’s way in to whisper the possibilities.

While I didn’t bleed every day the next month, we had hoped for a more significant level of improvement. In January of 2016, an ultrasound was scheduled to make sure there were no other issues present. The ultrasound revealed that I have a “beautiful uterus”, at least, according to my doctor. Good, yet bad news, as now we would simply play a waiting game with pills.

Every few months I would try a different pill, hoping it would work. Every so often, I would have a normal month, just to have things start back up again the following month. I never knew what to expect. We tried timing pills differently, skipping weeks, and so forth. Still, the bleeding continued.

If you read my last post, Out of the Fog, you might have put together that this physical issue coincided with my loss of joy, and ultimately, the decision to attend counseling. I now believe my issues with postpartum depression and random bleeding were connected.

On a logical level, the irregular bleeding was a nuisance more than anything. On an emotional level, I felt defeated every time it reared it’s ugly head. I half-heartedly contemplated how freeing it might be to just remove my uterus and be rid of it all. But, that’s a significant surgery with significant side effects, so it never went beyond a thought.

Two years of inconvenience in my world. I cannot imagine twelve years of suffering in Biblical times without all our modern conveniences.

I ended up making the decision to stop taking birth control pills in hopes that my hormones might regulate naturally; thereby having a positive effect on both my emotions and my cycle. It didn’t happen in an instant, but where I am compared to a year ago feels like a dream.

I believe healing is a process. It is a reminder of our dependency on the Lord and that despite what we would love to believe about ourselves, we have some serious weaknesses that only He can strengthen. It strips away our pride and forces us to kneel at His feet, surrendering ourselves entirely.

When we come to Him broken, fully relying on what only He can do in our lives, we get that opportunity for Him to look us in the eye and say, “Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace.”

So, I am letting go of the need to fix it and I’m taking it all to Him. I may not be able to physically touch his robe, but I am His daughter. And I have faith. He can make me well.

“O Lord my God, I cried to you for help, and you restored my health.” Psalm 30:2

“O Lord, if you heal me, I will be truly healed; if you save me, I will be truly saved. My praises are for you alone!” Jeremiah 17:14

“Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has a great power and produces wonderful results.” James 5:16

I Resolve…

I Resolve..

It’s that time again. The time to decide on our resolutions as we begin a new year.

I’ve never been much good at the whole idea of making a list of resolutions. After all, if I don’t have a list, I don’t have a way to fail. Right? I’m not particularly a fan of failure, so my strategy to overcome this disdain for failure is to avoid the possibility of it altogether.

Alas, there is always a flip side. If I “fail” to make a list, I’m also keeping myself from the opportunity to grow and improve. The most successful people actually use their failures as learning experiences and do better next time. I get it. I just often wish I could bypass the failure process as a whole and get it right the first time, every time.

So it seems, this post is really just me trying to convince myself to write out that not-so-silly little list and then DO IT.

Without further ado (though with much hesitation), here are my resolutions for the year 2016:

Health & Fitness

This year, I resolve to lose, and keep off, 5 pounds of stomach fluff. This may require that I turn down a cookie here and there. Or actually participate in some sort of physical activity. These are both things that I dread with a passion. Every time I think I’m ready to accept the new, fluffier me, I begin to think about how I really would rather have a happy medium between the old and new versions of my body. I’m not even going for pre-baby. Just a little less fluff in the ol’ midsection.

Blogging

Basically, I want to keep it up. My most realistic expectation is to post every other Friday. I’d like to throw in some extras here and there, but instead of focusing on quantity I want to make sure I’m posting quality. My primary goal is to create a space that encourages women. I want it to be a visually beautiful space that acts as a reflection of what God sees in the hearts of His daughters. While my math brain wants a numeric goal to work toward, I’m not going to set one. Whether 15 or 1000 people read a single post isn’t actually the point. The point is whether I’ve allowed God to use me as an avenue to spread the life we can find in Him. He can get it to the right person.

Spirituality

Priority and consistency are the terms I think of here. I want God to be my first each and every day. Certain little girls in my life make this difficult, and sometimes impossible. My plan of action is to set my alarm and get out of bed. I would like to work through a study – whether on my own, with friends, or small group. My most productive quiet times seem to be when I am writing things down. The practice of writing helps me to remember what I’ve read and what I’ve learned; making it easier for me to recall truths when things start to get a little dicy during my day.

Mindset

I tend to be a slightly emotional person. Often, I lean on the side of positivity, but I can just as easily slip into a state of negativity and complaint. It is my goal, during this year, to have at least one moment each day where I call out my own negative behavior or attitude and reverse it. My hope is that by the end of the year I will be a pleasanter person via facial expressions, posture, thoughts, words, and actions. No huffing and puffing to do something just because I’m trying to be nice, but actually finding joy in doing the nice thing. I want to give credit to my hubby for this idea. I’d encourage you to listen to this message  as it explains the concept to a much greater degree.

What are some of your resolutions for this year? What goals do you want to accomplish in 2016? Let’s encourage each other to keep it up and make this our best year yet!