Alright, it’s time. I give in.
I give in to the realization that I won’t do this perfectly. That I’ll frequently break my own rules. That there is more to this thing than what I can do on my own. That my job isn’t to be perfect, but to be obedient.
I like rules a LOT. So much so, that when none are present, I just make some up for myself to follow. When I first began writing in this blog a few years ago, I did so with the intention to publish a new post every other Friday. Ever since then, that idea has been the determining factor for whether or not I was to continue posting.
Well, life happened. Things got a little crazy. I stopped being able to post every other Friday, and therefore, I stopped posting at all. The perfectionist in me said that if I couldn’t do it right, I couldn’t do it at all.
For months I have had good intentions. I have tried, and tried, and tried to get into a regular routine again. I’ve updated my welcome and about pages. I’ve got half-a-dozen posts waiting to be published. But they just sit there. They sit there because of my own stubbornness and insecurities about the likelihood that I won’t meet my silly little goal.
Meanwhile, God has been pressing on my heart. Goodness gracious. He has given me the tiniest idea of what my future may hold, and it is both invigorating and terrifying. There are days I’m ready to jump in with both feet, and days I prefer to ignore it all together. Surely, He’s got the wrong gal.
But He keeps pushing. He isn’t one to give up on His people easily. And do you know what He is telling me in this moment? That drive for perfection isn’t from Him, it’s from the enemy. Who has He ever called that was perfect?
Moses was a murderer.
Rahab was a prostitute.
Ruth was a foreigner.
David was an adulterer.
Esther was a nobody.
Jonah was afraid.
Matthew was in the wrong profession.
Paul was a terrorist.
And yet, every single one of them (and more!) were used by God in tremendous ways. I don’t know all the details of God’s plan for me, but I do know that my place right now is this blog. I love it here. I love the idea that someone might stumble across these words and find hope in Jesus.
I simply cannot ignore it any longer. What I have to offer may not be perfect, but it’s something. I don’t even know when my next opportunity to write will be. But, Jesus, I ask you to take this offering and do with it what you will. All I have is yours.
“Then the Lord asked Moses, “Who makes a person’s mouth? Who decides whether people speak or do not speak, hear or do not hear, see or do not see? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go! I will be with you as you speak, and I will instruct you in what to say.” Exodus 4:11-12